What's a good tip?

I was asked this question from a customer on a delivery. What's a good tip? You would think we'd get this question more, but I think it was the first time I've received it in all of my years of delivery driving. "Well, that's a good question." I said. Then I preceded to tell her everything I've thought when it comes to tipping a pizza delivery driver. Below is not what I told her, it is my tipping manifesto, I didn't have time to tell her all of this and she was old so I said $3, which is what she gave me. Here is the inside scoop for all of you, the behind the scenes, if you will, from a pizza delivery driver's perspective.

$0-Stiff, the person is self absorbed or clueless. Most likely completely narcissistic because they think either the delivery driver is already getting paid enough or they think the delivery fee is all they should have to pay. Unfortunately we do not receive the whole delivery fee. But even if we did it wouldn't be enough to pay for our gas to get to their house and back with the cost of gas today. Not only that but a tip is something that should be on top of wages or gas, it should be an extra because I was nice enough to drive your pizza to you because you were too lazy to get off of your hind end and go to the restaurant and get it!

$1-Don't even bother. This is almost more insulting than getting stiffed. Unless it comes from a woman 75 years old or older. For some reason they are exempt. I've seen rich people write in a $1 tip on a credit card receipt when their total bill was something like $35.95. Embarrassing...mostly because they are just trying to make themselves feel better, more narcissistic than just plain stiffing in my opinion.

$2-Not adequate and on the border of don't even bother. That's like basically seeing how little you can get away with giving to someone who just served you, without really wanting to give them anything at all. We see through that. You suck!

$3-Almost there...but not quite. It's on the border of almost enough and you suck.

$4-Ah, now we're getting somewhere. I'm pleased, not excited, but pleased when I leave a door with $4. I think this is a crucial amount because it leaves me extra after everything I've done for you.

$5-Now I'm getting a little excited. The only time I'm not happy with a $5er is when the bill totals more than $50. But even at that I'm okay. I had a customer give me a $5 tip on a $115 order a week ago and I was pretty upset. Had to balance a lot of stuff to the car and fit it in, get it to the house, balance it to the door, maybe make two trips to the door from the car, and then get back to the store. Worth more than $5, not only that but $5 was only about 4%. I was expecting $10 or more.

$6-The Sweet Spot! For some reason I love a $6 tip. Again as long as the bill totals $60 or less. It just feels so good. It's like the person could have given a $5 tip and felt good about themselves but they went out of their way to go over an above the call of duty and stick in an extra dollar. I had a lady a couple of nights ago tell the phone person to put a $6 tip on the credit card, he proceeded to tell her that she "could put the tip on the receipt". I told him, "Dude, if they say put a $6 tip on the card do it as fast as you can, it's guaranteed!" I told him he better watch his back if I got there and she gave me less than $6 (I was kidding of course). He was scared (a little of course). I got to the lady's house and she was surprised at how quick we got her the pizza and gave me a $7 tip! The phone guy was spared.

$7 and up-GRAVY!